Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What IF Not?

Well, first of all, I'm sorry that I haven't posted in almost a month, if anyone is following this blog. I could blame the craziness of the holidays, which is definitely part of the story. But the real truth is that I wasn't sure exactly what to say.

I am 7 weeks pregnant today. IVF #2 actually worked. I've had 2 betas to confirm my HcG numbers are good, one ultrasound to confirm that the gestational sac and yolk sac are all in order, and semi-constant nausea for about 2 weeks. In one week, I have another ultrasound to see the heartbeat. This is when I think (hope) I will stop panicking, waking up in the night googling "blighted ovum" and other similar concepts, and will actually start to feel like my baby is really going to make it.

I already feel pregnant. Not physically, other than the nausea, but I have switched my mind so far away from Gonal F and Lupron injections, daily E2 counts and ultrasounds, and egg retrievals and embryo transfers that I'm terrified to find myself back there. I sit in meetings about projects that I hate at work and think "none of this really matters because in about 7 months, I'll be having a baby." I read all the January health magazines that exclaim over their new 21-day cleanses and diet plans for starting the new year right, and feel a sense of detachment and calm at knowing that this year, I will not be dieting. I took a walk with my pregnant friend and we made plans to take prenatal yoga together. I am pregnant. I hope. I pray.

There are a lot of conflicting emotions when you finally find yourself pregnant after infertility. At first, I still resented the fertiles. I imagined telling them that I was pregnant and wanting them to know that my pregnancy was not like theirs. Mine was the result of blood, sweat and tears. Lots of them. Mine was a marathon, while theirs was a sprint. I didn't want to be lumped in with everyone else who just gets pregnant, just like that.

But then, slowly, I began to resent my fellow infertiles. I was so used to my several-times-a-day habit of perusing the infertility message boards that it was hard to give it up. I still felt more connected to those women than I did to anyone else. They had been there for me through my darkest moments. Yet, every time I read a new post, my anxiety level rose. So many miscarriages. So much pain, sadness, bitterness. Why did they have to constantly remind me that at any moment, I could be back there?

I'm not sure where I am right at this moment. I'm not angry at the fertiles anymore, and when I finally make the pregnancy announcements, I may mention what we went through to some friends, mostly because I want to make sure people are aware of infertility, and to help other people who are going through it know they aren't alone. But I no longer feel the need to make it the focus of my pregnancy. I still avoid the message boards and blogs, and possibly will until I bring the baby home. I'm too anxious of a person to read about everything that could go wrong and I guess I need to choose faith instead of fear.

As far as this blog, I'm not sure how much farther it will go. When I was trying to get pregnant, I loved reading infertility blogs, particularly ones that had a happy ending pregnancy (and birth). But I really lost interest once the pregnancy was in full swing and the bloggers began posting about pregnancy symptoms and baby showers. It's not that I wasn't happy for them--I hope that every infertile woman gets to have her moment of finally being able to bask in the joy of these things--but it wasn't my reality at the time. And the truth is, I needed this blog to sort through what was probably one of the most difficult moments of my life. I have probably 10 other blog entries that are half-written, just thought, musings or observations that I jotted down during my IVF journey that I never got around to finishing and posting. But I needed to write them, as well as these posts that were published, to help get me through. I don't know if I need that now. I guess I'll have to see how it goes.

Thanks to everyone who I connected with during this journey. The truth is, as I get more confident about my pregnancy, I know I'll start checking in on you all again, reading your blogs and looking at the message boards. When I do, I hope and pray to hear good news from every single one of you.

6 comments:

  1. Congratulations! I know what you mean about having to steer clear of the message boards. It isn't comforting to read about every little wavering symptom, cramp and twinge and 20 stories where half had that issue and had happy outcome and the rest... well... didn't. I hope that your enjoy your well deserved marathon and that your victory lap is a wonderful breath of fresh air!

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  2. CONGRATULATIONSSSSS!!! I hope everything goes wellllllllll. :-D

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  3. Congratulations! I can understand how you're feeling!

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  4. Congratulations!! We were just diagnosed with male factor infertility after a long time of trying. Reading blogs like yours gives me hope that there is a chance. Hope is something that's been tough to recognize the last few days.

    Thank you!

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  5. Congratulations! I can understand those feelings! Enjoy your pregnancy (and the LO once arrived, of course); have a happy, healthy 9 months! :D

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