What IF Not?

Well, first of all, I'm sorry that I haven't posted in almost a month, if anyone is following this blog. I could blame the craziness of the holidays, which is definitely part of the story. But the real truth is that I wasn't sure exactly what to say.

I am 7 weeks pregnant today. IVF #2 actually worked. I've had 2 betas to confirm my HcG numbers are good, one ultrasound to confirm that the gestational sac and yolk sac are all in order, and semi-constant nausea for about 2 weeks. In one week, I have another ultrasound to see the heartbeat. This is when I think (hope) I will stop panicking, waking up in the night googling "blighted ovum" and other similar concepts, and will actually start to feel like my baby is really going to make it.

I already feel pregnant. Not physically, other than the nausea, but I have switched my mind so far away from Gonal F and Lupron injections, daily E2 counts and ultrasounds, and egg retrievals and embryo transfers that I'm terrified to find myself back there. I sit in meetings about projects that I hate at work and think "none of this really matters because in about 7 months, I'll be having a baby." I read all the January health magazines that exclaim over their new 21-day cleanses and diet plans for starting the new year right, and feel a sense of detachment and calm at knowing that this year, I will not be dieting. I took a walk with my pregnant friend and we made plans to take prenatal yoga together. I am pregnant. I hope. I pray.

There are a lot of conflicting emotions when you finally find yourself pregnant after infertility. At first, I still resented the fertiles. I imagined telling them that I was pregnant and wanting them to know that my pregnancy was not like theirs. Mine was the result of blood, sweat and tears. Lots of them. Mine was a marathon, while theirs was a sprint. I didn't want to be lumped in with everyone else who just gets pregnant, just like that.

But then, slowly, I began to resent my fellow infertiles. I was so used to my several-times-a-day habit of perusing the infertility message boards that it was hard to give it up. I still felt more connected to those women than I did to anyone else. They had been there for me through my darkest moments. Yet, every time I read a new post, my anxiety level rose. So many miscarriages. So much pain, sadness, bitterness. Why did they have to constantly remind me that at any moment, I could be back there?

I'm not sure where I am right at this moment. I'm not angry at the fertiles anymore, and when I finally make the pregnancy announcements, I may mention what we went through to some friends, mostly because I want to make sure people are aware of infertility, and to help other people who are going through it know they aren't alone. But I no longer feel the need to make it the focus of my pregnancy. I still avoid the message boards and blogs, and possibly will until I bring the baby home. I'm too anxious of a person to read about everything that could go wrong and I guess I need to choose faith instead of fear.

As far as this blog, I'm not sure how much farther it will go. When I was trying to get pregnant, I loved reading infertility blogs, particularly ones that had a happy ending pregnancy (and birth). But I really lost interest once the pregnancy was in full swing and the bloggers began posting about pregnancy symptoms and baby showers. It's not that I wasn't happy for them--I hope that every infertile woman gets to have her moment of finally being able to bask in the joy of these things--but it wasn't my reality at the time. And the truth is, I needed this blog to sort through what was probably one of the most difficult moments of my life. I have probably 10 other blog entries that are half-written, just thought, musings or observations that I jotted down during my IVF journey that I never got around to finishing and posting. But I needed to write them, as well as these posts that were published, to help get me through. I don't know if I need that now. I guess I'll have to see how it goes.

Thanks to everyone who I connected with during this journey. The truth is, as I get more confident about my pregnancy, I know I'll start checking in on you all again, reading your blogs and looking at the message boards. When I do, I hope and pray to hear good news from every single one of you.